I can’t begin to count how many times I’ve asked- yelled, this to myself. So miserable and so desperate to not feel that way.
Why do I feel I’m never enough?
I absorbed the feeling from my childhood of not being good enough. No one told me I wasn’t good enough, but I felt it all the time.
I decided results fell into two categories, Perfect and Failure. I also picked up the lie that I was my behavior. Therefore I fell into those two categories as well.
I’ve recently seen that Perfect was never defined. If it wasn’t defined I could never know if I achieved it. Therefore I was always a failure. Always.
Excellence was held up as the standard but it was code for Perfect. There was also a strange sense of being no learning curve. I thought I was just supposed to be able to do something and of course, do it perfectly.
Totally unattainable, totally below the...
I am such a mess! Always! Why can’t I get it together? How can God use me when I’m such a huge failure?
This was my heart cry for so many years. I felt so messed up. So convinced I was broken and no one could fix me. Not even God. If He could fix me I was somehow messing up the process so He couldn’t.
I struggled to stretch my insecure, introverted self to go to a women’s retreat with the church. Other women had so much fun and got so much out of them.
The setting was beautiful. The lodge was in the mountains of Alaska, away from the normal busyness of life. Log walls and candles made the chapel so peaceful. Mealtime was in a stunning log lodge with beautifully set tables. I soaked up the worship and the teaching.
I felt left out and so out of place the rest of the time; like a kid who has no one to sit with in the lunchroom. The women were nice, they were glad I was there. I was too, and I wasn’t.
I braved sharing my struggle with one of...
Have you ever shared something you were struggling with and felt worse instead of better?
I have. I would share with someone how I was struggling, whether it was with my own self-image, or trying to live the good Christian life, whatever it was. Often the answer was something along the lines of, "just receive God's love".
I wanted to scream or slap them. I wanted to scream, "If I knew how to do that, don't you think I'd be doing it already?" (maybe part of that was it took being pretty desperate for me to ask for help, but that's another topic)
I didn't know how to say they made it worse. It seemed so incredibly obvious that I should just know how to receive God's love. If I wasn't doing it then it had to be because I wasn't trying hard enough, I wasn't being sincere, I wasn't letting God love me. Those things that just weren't helpful at all!
They added more condemnation, shame, and confirmation of the deeply rooted belief I had that I was somehow uniquely...
This video was recorded on Monday with Mukkove, a weekly feature in the Ready. Set. SOAR! Community on Facebook.
I felt like I failed all the time and I was miserable. And it didn't matter how hard I tried. It didn't work. Other people would come from a conference or read a book and say, ”This was life-changing! Just do this.” I would try to do that and it just wouldn't work. It just would convince me, “It's me. I'm severely broken. I'm severely messed up, severely flawed.”
I wanted to be pleasing to the Lord and wanted to be impacting people for the Lord. Trying harder was not working.
When I learned to hear God's voice for myself, I began to be able to see myself the way God sees me. That allowed Him to transform me through transforming my thinking instead of me trying to transform my thinking without having that...
Becoming a mom was the most amazing end overwhelming thing in my life - all four times.
We teach what we know, but we reproduced who we are. John Maxwell
The truth of this quote terrified me because I did not want anyone to be like me. I was so insecure. I had so much self-hatred. I did not like myself and I didn't understand how anyone else would like me. I did not want to reproduce that ever. So, knowing I would reproduce who I was, terrified me.
We cannot always build the future for our youth, but we can build our youth for the future. Franklin D. Roosevelt
This quote embodies the philosophy that I took out of that terrifying realization. It became my passion as a mom to become someone I wanted my children to be like. I worked with the Lord to be transformed into His image - from glory to glory. And as I did that, I learned tools and I modeled the process to my children, to build their foundations and build them for the future.
We're in a time no one...
I’m an emotional wreck. I can’t think. I can’t hold back the tears and this intense ache.
A clear thought breaks through the suffocating emotion.
This hurts way more than it should. This is just normal teen stuff. They want to be with their friends. It’s a really busy season.
Why is it hurting so bad? What is it I’m really feeling?
I’m feeling SO rejected!
Rejection and I go way back. Way, way back. That’s why this hurts so bad. It’s time to heal.
I’m feeling pressure, stress, from other’s choices. I feel rejected. A crazy thing about feelings is I can feel rejection without ever having been rejected. This isn’t about blaming or figuring out who rejected me. It’s about me examining the wound with the Lord and receiving His healing so I can deal with current events as just that – current, present – not clouded and confused by past wounds.
Looking at pressure like the lobster, it’s time to grow....
Do you struggle with wanting to be prefect? To do everything right?
I do! Especially when it comes to my kids. I mean, why should they have to suffer because I’m their mom and I’m not perfect?
Making mistakes is inevitable. So, it’s not the making of mistakes that is the issue. It’s what I do with my mistakes that has the biggest impact on my children.
I serve the God who specializes in bringing beauty from ashes. God showed me He wanted to use my mistakes to bless my children, too.
Whether I hurt my child, or they know I hurt someone else, they can benefit if they also see me clean up my mess.
I can make a full apology, “I’m sorry” doesn’t cut it.
Regret isn’t something I’ve given too much thought until recently. I read a word from Lana Vawser that said God was taking bags of regret off of mothers. The bags of regret or lightened as the lies were revealed and made holes in the bags.
I realized I have many regrets as a mother. And events this week have made them come very much to the forefront.